Don’t Know What To Do Next

So My life is a fucking mess right now.  

I’ll start by copying over a passage from my book… i wrote it about two weeks ago to describe how I was feeling about my relationship, and it was so fittting, i decided to include it in my storyline (the names have been changed, so as to fit my story, and I’m not going to disclose the real names… :D)

“So every since I was a kid, I’ve always had the impression that nobody actually liked me and that they all were just being nice to me out of pity.  It’s gotten better over the last few years and I’ve become more self-confident.  When I’m with Penny it just feels right, it feels natural and I never feel like she’s just pretending.  At least until now… I know it’s stupid for me to have these fears and that they are completely unfounded, I just feel like something is wrong and I don’t want to bring it up.  I think I’m just scared that my fears and real and she’ll say that there really is something wrong… but I don’t know why.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have found where I belong.  Although it’s only been 3 months, I can say without any doubts that I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl.  I want to buy a house and have kids and grow old together.  I want to be crazy old ladies in our rocking chairs looking back and laughing at how stupid and reckless we were.  And that scares me more than anything, especially now, because I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself if something goes wrong.  I can’t see myself being able to live without her.”

So since then, things haven’t gotten any better.  She’s told me that she was just in a funk and that her serotonin levels were off… and that it would all get better again in the end.  Well it hasn’t gotten better.  She sent me a text today saying she was back to normal and that she was sorry she’d been off lately… and that it was in no way my fault.

Now.  The second half of this story is that she spends almost every waking hour with her best friend… who I don’t mind hanging out with when it’s just me and her.  But when the three of us get together, all I want to do is strangle this girl because she tries to compete for my girlfriends attention and thinks its appropriate to give her input to every little think in our lives.

Today we were hanging out again, watching Glee… and we sat down on the couch and her friend plopped down right between us… i wanted to punch her. But that got itself worked out and I was OK again.  Until it came time for my girlfriend to drive us back to campus… I figured “oh, she’s going to drop off this girl and then drive to my dorm so we could have some alone time for the first time in a week”. 

no

she dropped me off first, then decided to drive this other girl back and is clearly back home now because she is on the internet, but I haven’t gotten my daily text of “Im Home!”.

So naturally… I don’t know what to do or what to think.  She says she still loves me, but she’s never the person to say it first anymore.  Its always me saying it and her responding with “I Love You Too”.  If I did something to annoy her, I wish she would just tell me so that I can start trying to fix it… but I can’t do anything right now because I don’t even know what’s going on in her brain.